St. Augustine

’s Journey In Confessions Essay, Research Paper

In the narrative of The Confessions of St. Augustine, Augustine is searching, testing and refuting different ways of the world through which he seeks happiness and contentment. Along his journey are several experiences that completely alter the direction of his course: the death of his friend and soulmate, which brings complete bitterness and melancholy upon all his former pleasures; the empty eloquence of Faustus, the man revered by all the Manichees as supremely wise; and his journey to Milan where he meets Bishop Ambrose and discovers that the Christian faith can indeed be defended upon logical grounds. The final turning point is the most important, for it marks the beginning of Augustine s conversion to the Christian faith, a complete turning over of his will to God. Ambivalence and affinity for worldly pleasures make this conversion a long and painful one that culminates with a cathartic shedding of tears.

Augustine makes his way to Rome in order to find students serious in their studies, not prone to subversive behavior in the classroom; he finds the students there serious as reported but prone to an equally maddening flaw: evading the fees of their scholarship. When the opportunity arises to make way for Milan and fill a position for professor of rhetoric, Augustine snatches the chance and begins yet another journey. Here he meets Bishop Ambrose, who he finds can defend the illogical nature of Scripture and make it sensible and logical. The beginning of monumental change in the Saint s life begins:

Though I did not realize it, I was led to him [Ambrose] by you so that, with full realization, I might be led to you by him. That man of God welcomed me as a father and, in the capacity of bishop, was kind enough to approve of my coming there I was drawing gradually nearer (p. 108).

Through the influence of Ambrose Augustine decides to abandon the Manichees altogether, convinced if nothing else of the futility and fallacy of their complex system.

With Manichaeanism discarded, our humble narrator and hero finds himself despairing of ever discovering the truth (p. 111). Though certainly intrigued by the call of Christian faith, Augustine finds it was the same with me as with a man who, having once had a bad doctor, is afraid of trusting himself even to a good one (p. 117). The pleasures of the flesh and his worldly ambition, those sirens upon the sea of the world, occupy much of Augustine s time and energy and restrict him to the knowledge that first you [God] exist and secondly, that the government of human affairs was in your hands (p. 118). Perhaps; yet at this point it is Augustine s will, towards secular pursuits and an ultimate knowledge of the metaphysical nature of God, that keeps his hands firmly in the way of God s, meddling with His governmental jurisdiction.

Not one to skimp on intensive self reflection and questioning, Augustine finds his unsteady nature challenged by the sight of a beggar in the midst of a pleasant drunk. The issue of means to happiness and contentment is brought to the forefront of his mind: while he has long been pursuing these qualities with his ambition for world renown, consistently restless and discontented, the man he confronts achieves just such desirable qualities through the drink. Yet if I were asked next whether I would prefer to be a man like the beggar or a man like I then was myself, I should choose to be myself, worn out with my cares and fears. Was this not absurd. (p. 120). Maybe, but it draws a crucial distinction between Augustine and the beggar: a sense of purpose and a search for meaning. The fleeting happiness of a drunk is in its essence meaningless, only deprecating one s rational outlook on life in the end. The achievement of happiness through understanding or faith holds far greater value, for it has permanence and is reached through individual effort, not the effortless byproduct of a liquid. Though his soul is in a state of crisis and disrepair, Augustine recognizes this fundamental difference between himself and the beggar and confirms the worthiness of his seemingly hopeless search.

A powerful and persuasive fuel of Augustine s ambivalence is his love for sex, the unquenchable lust within his nature. Unable to understand or accept the advice of his chaste friend Alypius, Augustine takes a rather morbid view of habitual fornication: I was the prisoner of this disease of the flesh and of its deadly sweetness, and I dragged my chain about with me, dreading the idea of its being loosed (p. 130). This realization is intensified when his lover is forced to depart in order to make his upcoming marriage respectable. While she returns to Africa and leads a chaste life, Augustine is compelled to take another lover in order to satiate his continuing desire for sex; shame and self-deprecation are the only responses he can manage to accompany his need to sleep with another. His relation to sex and women in general is of the all or nothing variety; he wants it all the time or a complete abstinence, as his later actions will show. Augustine too clearly perceives that even within the bonds of marriage God would have to be satisfied with nothing, yet his plans for the wedding remain fixed and his mood heavy and wearisome.

It is not entirely surprising that a man emerged in feelings of such a negative quality should question t