Marriage Essay Research Paper The Cause For

Marriage Essay, Research Paper

The Cause For Divorce. The institution of marriage is a highly discussed and commercialized topic. Everywhere, there are books, seminars, workshops, and articles on .how to better your marriage’, .the destruction of the family’, etc. The rising divorce rate has caused people to take a second look at their relationships, and think twice about getting married. A study showed that newly married couples run a forty-percent risk of future divorce. People ask why. Why aren’t our relationships working anymore. Why is our love not lasting. And many fingers are pointed to lack of communication. A study appeared in the Family Relations Journal, 1993, about the five things good marriages have in common. Researchers contacted 15 couples who had been married for an average of forty years, and were declared to have ideal marriages. In- depth interviews were conducted with the couples, and they came up with the following results. 1. Intimacy 2. Communication 3. Commitment 4. Congruence 5. Religious Orientation They found that all of the couples had positive communication skills. They listened to each other’s point-of-view, feelings, and thoughts. Because of this, they were able to avoid conflicts and resolve difficulties more easily. Couples with more effective communication skills had higher levels of intimacy. In a recent survey, 100 divorce lawyers were asked the question, “what’s the major cause of divorce in North American marriages.” All 100 lawyers agreed that a break-down in marital communication was the leading cause of divorce. Proverbs 13:17 says that it takes communication to have a successful, satisfying marriage. Therapists rate poor communication as having the most damaging effects on marital relationships. The evidence proves, unanimously, that communication plays a large part in lasting relationships. Not Merely .Words’ or .Talk’ The root word in communication is communion. To communicate isn’t to merely pass along information, but to draw another into union. True conversation is an interpenetration of worlds, a genuine intercourse of souls It relieves us from the pressures of everyday activity and decision-making, opening us up to undisclosed levels of our experiences. Every meaningful relationship requires significant communication. Communicating . receiving a message . isn’t through words alone. Communication happens on many different levels. A smile, handshake, glance, or the slamming of a door are all examples of nonverbal behavior that sends a message. Every message has at least three aspects . the report aspect, the command aspect, and the context aspect The report aspect consists of the actual meaning of the words, the content of the message . what is literally asked for, reported, etc. The command aspect indicates how the message is supposed to be heard. The intentions may be suggested by tone of voice, volume, or by nonverbal behavior. The context aspect is determined by the who/where factor. For instance, if a lifeguard yells “I’ll save you” to a drowning boy, that boy can safely assume that the lifeguard means to pull him out of the water. Yet, if a priest says “I’ll save you,” the listener can assume that he means to help him become a better Christian. In many instances, the message sent is not the message received. Freud has demonstrated that people are motivated by unconscious factors. An individual reacts to a message according to his own perception of its nature. Often the message is misunderstood because the sender and the receiver interpret it in terms of quite different contexts. The Problem is We’re Not Listening There are two different ways in which communication between individuals breaks down. The absence of clear and workable communication almost always involves both parties. The first type of breakdown occurs when the message sent is not the message received, as was pointed out earlier. This problem occurs because words have so many definitions. The message could have several possible meanings: the .meaning’ is therefore dependant on personal interpretation. Also, each word has emotional content to the listener. Words can elicit responses of hate, fear, anxiety, or avoidance. For example, the word .mother’ is not merely its definition . female parent . but has a different emotional response to everyone. The second type of breakdown is a physical breakdown. The spouses speak to each other, but neither .hears’ what the other is saying. This failure is often a result of a lifetime of .non-listening’. This can develop between spouses after they have been fighting for several months or years. Both spouses are on the defensive, and as soon as one speaks, the other starts mentally preparing a defense for the anticipated attack. Their mind is concentrating on what the reply will be, rather than on what is being said. The static of our preconceived ideas are working while we listen, so we hear not what is said, but what we are prepared to hear. Communication requires dialogue. Unless you enjoy talking to yourself, it takes at least two to communicate. Yet, most of us are constantly finding ourselves engaging in monologues. A renowned philosopher, Martin Buber, was concerned with human monologue/dialogue He wrote of different types of dialogue: Technical dialogue, in which we give information . requiring no feeling . and it is received and acted upon. Monologue disguised as dialogue, where one individual speaks to the total indifference