Consent And Its Place In SM Sex

Essay, Research Paper

Consent and its Place in SM Sex

At first the sting of the whip, and the reddening of her ass felt wonderful, but

Carrie knew that the pain would soon become unbearable, despite her stating

“refrigerator,” her “safe” word. . .

Carrie’s example shows us how important consent is in SM, or rather sado-

masochism sex play. The most obvious reason consent is important in SM play is

the risk of injury and the potential for unwanted danger is avoided. In addition,

with understood consent, trust is developed, making the experience more

enjoyable to the participants. Reasons for non-consenting play do exist, however

these occur only under certain circumstances. When dealing with SM, there is a

greater risk of injury and of danger than missionary position sex, simply

because of the dynamics of it. When an individual is being tied up the way in

which the ropes are tied, how a person is suspended, and whether or not the

person has revealed confidential information to be used in the scene all aid to

create a potentially dangerous situation. When in bondage, the struggles and

wriggles of your partner desperately trying to escape your teasing might tighten

a rope of poor quality and/or singularly tied around a wrist, creating major

veins to stop circulating . The danger might not even seem obvious until it is

too late. It is possible though highly unlikely that one could lose the usage of

one’s hands. Often in SM sex, extremely intimate information is given to your

partner, for example a fantasy. If the fantasy involves play that mainstream

American society might not find acceptable, a deeper level of trust would most

likely be necessary. Many human beings have rape fantasies. Do they want to

actually be raped? The answer to me is very clear, absolutely not. The fantasy,

is not about the violent act that rape actually is. It is about control, that

control given to another, the feeling that there is no choice. The most

significant difference I know of between an SM rape scene and the real thing is

there is trust be it even if it is peoples unknown to each other and a third

party has set up the scene. There is a conscious giving of consent. A SM rape

scene, must have a great deal of consent. Many men (and some women) seek out

professional Mistresses, Masters, submissives, or someone who has revealed a

want or need to experience what they themselves enjoy. Someone whom they are

pretty much assured that there will not be trust problems, for example a

revealing of identities, as in the case of a high profile person. Also the play

is generally a place of comfort to experience what they truly enjoy and possibly

can not in their “real” life. With this type of relationship the trust often

needs to comes close to intuition coupled with a little time sharing what each

will and won’t do. Consent to some degree is already given, yet even here it

needs to be established. The real difference is that play is often so removed

from participant’s lives that it no longer affects their normal life. They are

not laughed at for wanting to choke on a beautiful women’s high heel, whereas

their spouse would not hesitate in calling a mental hospital at the mere mention

of the thought. Disaster can still occur, for a “scene” cannot be written with

a signed approval (it can but the enjoyment that can only be found in

spontaneity, would definitely be lost). Yet, this very factor creates the

potential for millions of things to go in a direction unsafe for the people not

directing the action.

In any sexual engagement, my ultimate satisfaction comes from bringing my

partner to a most gratified state. To have him or her look at me with their eyes

begging for more without sound is indescribable. Knowing that they are there

for me; knowing that what I need for the scene to be great is a pushing of

thresholds more than ever thought possible and “going there”; knowing that what

I need for the session to go well has been taken care of; these are a few of my

needs. Checking that I and anyone involved is in a good place is very important

for me. This includes an age check. Laws have been established in this country

to protect children from harm for they cannot “give” consent. Yet there are

many adults who, although they are well into adulthood, are unable to figure out

and accept the responsibility of personal consent. If Carrie had a partner who

was aware of her needs and the established “safety” word she would not dread

another scene in which she was disrespected. Each a bottom and top hold

powerful positions to control what occurs in a given scene. Yet if a top, the

dominant one, does not heed the warning from their trusting subject than they

might find themselves without a partner very soon. Safe words are used to add

to the scene by having all those involved know that there is complete freedom t

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